I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
My pussy is not your playground.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
