He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
