I wanna passion pit in your ass
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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