Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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