If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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