Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
did i just pee glitter
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
