Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Is Oprah even human
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize