Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize