What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
