it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
