I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
