Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize