the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
