so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
He felt like a one man threesome
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
