I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
