chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
