it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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