do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
