Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
