We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
