no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize