dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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