I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Randomize
