tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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