Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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