I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I can't put those talents on a resume
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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