Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
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