she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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