I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
