I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
