u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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