one might say we're banned from that church
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
