Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Randomize
