Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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