I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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