The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
