I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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