Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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