your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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