One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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