I skipped work to stalk him.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
