I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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