There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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