Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
