Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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