Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
