Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
