Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Randomize
