The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
