bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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