I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My penis needs a shock collar
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
