Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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