She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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