Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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