It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
