I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize