woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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